Here is a four step technique for resolving conflicts non-violently. It is adapted from techniques developed by Ken Butigan and activist Bill Moyer. 

These four steps can be applied at every level of conflict: from interpersonal clashes to international hostility. In each circumstance, we are challenged to create the appropriate vehicles and climates to make each of these steps happen. It isn't an easy process, but in the end it will repay us immeasurably.

1. Centre Ourselves

Bill Moyer suggests that when we find ourselves facing violence, injustice, or other conflicts, it is important to remain in our true selves. Otherwise, we are a prisoner of our roles, including the role where we feel
justified to use violence against ourselves or others.

One way to do this is to is to experience what facilitators Maureen Gatt and Gerald Hair call our "Inner Observer," the reality within us which is contemplatively and lovingly present and watching. We are invited to return to that grounded reality and to act from that place - where we are most truly ourselves. In order to do this, we ask ourselves, "What am I feeling? What is the larger picture? Where is God in this situation?" We also take time to centre ourselves and thus to decide what we should do in the situation at hand.
By anchoring ourselves in our deepest reality, we are prepared to respond - and not simply to react - to the conflict we are facing. We may decide to protect ourselves. We may decide to engage. In either case, we can act from that place where we are most truly who we are, and not simply from a worn out and potentially destructive script.

2. Disclose Our True Selves - To Ourselves and to Our Opponent

This means first discovering what I am truly feeling in the situation, and
then articulating those feelings to the one with whom I am in conflict. Am I feeling anger? Is there sadness or hurt or fear underneath this anger?
Second, this involves conveying these feelings to the one with whom we are in conflict. In other words, to share our heart more than our "position" or our "arguments". We should do this not in a way that "hits" the other person, but in a way that tries to get across who we really are in this moment. 

3. Receive the Truth of the Opponent

This may not be my truth, but it is theirs, and we will get nowhere until we both hear each other. It is also a way of acknowledging the other. As conflict resolution specialist Marshall Rosenberg puts it, acknowledging does not necessarily mean agreeing. We don't have to agree with their position - or the interests that lie below those positions - but we can acknowledge the other person and her or his truth.

4. Make Agreements, not Assumptions

By disclosing ourselves and listening to the other, we have a chance to discover the truth and untruth of the situation. We then have the basis for making agreements about how we are going to be with one another, rather than assumptions. Many conflicts grow out of widely differing assumptions.

From Violence to Wholeness, Ken Butigan & Patricia Bruno OP, Pace e Bene Franciscan Nonviolence Center, Los Vegas, Nevada. The program manual is obtainable in Australia from People of the Way, East Victoria, WA by phone 08-94724227, fax 08-94724227 or email ozpow@iprimus.com.au.